I'm pretty much a dumb sheep . . .

" . . . for my power is made perfect in your weakness." If I had a mantra to describe exactly where I am spiritually right now - BAM, there it is. Weakness - I checked it out and here are some synonyms: flaw, fault, failing, limitation, disadvantage. Interesting to you? I thought it so!


Weakness, isn't it ironic that what the world sees as a defect, God glorifies! Think about this for just a second. I have been all day! Last night, trying to quiet all the turmoil in my head was impossible. I tried reading the word, I tried replaying situations over and over, looking for answers and seeking my own direction, and I even tried talking with my sister. Talking with her gave me momentary peace. In fact, she was walking through her own weaknesses and talked with me about it. It was easier for me to encourage her in the Lord than to encourage myself. Why is that? It was so easy for me to rejoice in her sufferings and I'm thinkin' in my head about how excited I am that God is going to use all this stuff that she's going through to put her through the fire and that I can see all the faithfulness that God has shown her in the past couple of years and I believe God, not just believe in God, but fully believe God, that He will use this all to mold and shape her to make her more like He is and that in the end He will lavish all these amazing blessings upon her. (breath)


So, I got off the phone with her and felt a little better, then morning happened. I couldn't get out of bed. Caleb came and woke me up. He wanted to get up and start the day, but I wanted to stay in bed all day. He wanted to read, so we read in bed. He went downstairs to grab a quick breakfast and I stayed in bed. He even closed my door so that I could get up and get dressed and sure enough 20 minutes later, he came knocking at the door saying, "Mom, you are taking too long!" And he was so right. I needed to get my lazy behind out of bed and start me day, but there was this haze over my soul. There was this giant heaviness that was too much for me to carry around.


So, I hit my knees and I cried. I cried and cried until it couldn't come anymore. I felt alone, I felt tired, I felt weary. I felt defeated and discouraged. It all kinda happened at once, ya know? Life just kinda keeps piling it on until it finds your breaking point and it found mine. I immediately knew where I was supposed to go - I went back to bed, but this time, I was armed. I dried the tears, but kept the tissue box handy and grabbed the sword and my new journal. It was waiting, just asking to be marked up with all the desires, pains, and cries of my heart. Date at the time, complete with the exact time and I just went to work. I scribbled it all down. I sorted it all out. I cried, I laughed, I screamed and I moaned until it was all down on paper and all out in the open. As my friend Gina says, "I got naked before the Lord!" And boy, did it feel better! I'm weak, completely frail. There is not one strand of strength left in me. What a scary, humble, and wonderful place to be!


I was working out today. (Denise really sure knows how to make the muscles burn!) I'm holding this crazy "warrior pose" and my thigh is shaking so bad that it was risking pulling it out of the hip socket and burning so bad that my pants practically caught on fire and I'm thinking to myself, "I'm so weak! This is so hard. Weakness leaving the body, huh?" I have just been so alert to the weaknesses of me today. I've been thinking all day about just how much I need God. It's quite amazing! I've been such a fool! How foolish to depend on my own strength and my own decisions that obviously put me in foolish positions anyway! What a wretched human am I to have choosen my will over that of my father's AGAIN! What is wrong with me? I mean really, I feel like this is the story of my life. Go, go, go, and do, do, do until I fall, fall, fall and then wonder why I continue in this fashion, every stinkin' time! Do you ever do that? Do you know what I mean?


So, I'm weak, and I'm learning to love it. It's a learning proccess for me, but I don't recommend learning as I have (or as I am.) Because, here's the deal - God doesn't want only the hard stuff. He wants it all. He wants every minute. He doesn't want the tough times without the easy times too. It's kinda like the mini-sermon that everyone preaches before you take up the offering. "Be faithful with the little stuff and it will be easier to be faithful with the more that God gives you!" You heard that one before? Well, I'm applying it to life! Give God the little stuff and watch Him carry you through the hard stuff too. Had I learned to give God the little stuff before, then how much easier would it be to walk through the difficulties of life that I face now?! Get it? So maybe you are like me, maybe not. Either way, don't wait until you are forced to depend on God to start depending on Him. I'm sure it's much more fun to do it willingly.


God, I need you! I can do nothing apart from you. You've heard it before, because I've said it before, but here I am again. I know that you hear me and I know that you are taking care of me. I don't understand why you would want me, but here I am in all of my weakness and I'm giving it all to you. Have your way! I surrender, all of it, I'm not holding back. I'm done! I have nothing left. I need a job - so you work it out! You know everything and you know how it's gonna work out. So, I trust you. You've never left me with any reason to doubt. I need your healing - so come inside my heart and mend away! You have never done anything but make me whole. There are pieces missing and I'm trying to fill those cracks with other stuff. Take the presidence that you deserve and move the stuff out the doesn't belong. Take care of those insecurities while you're there. Elise will appreciate it too! I have worries that only you can quiet - so speak loud enough to reach where I am because I can't even imagine being worthy enough to meet you were you are. I need to know and take hold of your promises - so thank you for the people that you've put into my life that remind me of that everyday! You've got your work cut out for you, but I know that you are a big and mighty God, so here ya go! I'm all yours. I'm a dumb sheep, lead away . . . baaaaaa!